What Christmas Characters most closely represent each NBA team?
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
This is going to be exactly what the title says it’s going to be. It’s going to be all 30 NBA teams and which Christmas characters best capture their essence. I did this last year with Star Wars characters. The NBA season begins tomorrow, and Christmas isn’t far behind.
That’s the thinking that led to this idea. I’m a fucking prodigy.
Right off the top, let’s get one thing straight: these characters do not come exclusively from any one media. Most of them are movie characters, but some of them come from music and other various Christmas tropes. You should also know that, shockingly, I am not a sommelier of Christmas characters.
I’ve seen the big important movies (White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, etc.), and heard the big important songs (Jingle Bells, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, St. Brick Intro, etc.), but there are many MANY holes in my Christmas character archive. I literally had to Google “Christmas characters” and find people from movies I’ve never seen before in order to complete this list. So bear with me, alright? Christmas is a time of giving, so give me a break.
As with most things like this, we need to establish some ground rules.
1. I did not necessarily consider whether characters were heroes (like Donner) or villains (like Blitzen) in this piece. I also did not necessarily consider the overall “importance” of the characters while making this list. Obviously, a team like the Lakers is more “important” this year than a team like the Pistons, but if the Pistons strike me as a “Santa Claus” team and the Lakers hit me as a “Cindy-Lou Who” team, I’m following my gut.
2. Most of these characters that appear in Christmas movies undergo some sort of personal transformation over the duration of the movie, which is all fine and dandy, but sometimes I’m going to be picking characters because of qualities they have in their initial flawed state. I’ll specify most of these traits when I talk about the team/character, though, so save your reactions until you’ve read the whole thing. I know that this is going to make the rounds on social media and that everyone’s going to have an opinion on my list, so I’m just trying to get out ahead of the controversy while I can.
3. Not a rule, just a shoutout to Kwanza and Hanukkah and other end-of-the-year celebrations. I didn’t include you in this list, but I include you in my heart.
4. This is less of a rule and more of a general reminder that I don’t know a lot about Christmas characters. In order to actually do research on this topic, I would’ve had to watch like 30 Christmas movies and I didn’t do that. So lower your expectations. Also - these are my own subjective comparisons. So even though I might not be right, I literally cannot be wrong.
Atlanta Hawks – Christmas tree
A Christmas tree is fun to look at. It’s something you can do with your friends and/or family while you listen to Christmas Carols and get in the Christmas spirit. The Hawks are entertaining and young, which make them a very fun team to watch. As pretty as Christmas trees are though, you have to admit that they do lack a little bit in practical applications. I’m not sure that they can win 50 games (or 40 for that matter), but Trey Young is for real and Atlanta deserves a star. The NBA wouldn’t be what it is without his talent, much in the same way that Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without a tree.
Boston Celtics – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
The Celtics are Rudolph because they will go exactly as far as Jason Tatum takes them. Pretty simple, right? Let’s throw some murk into it, because I gotta tell ya, I’m a little murky on exactly how far Jason Tatum will take them. I don’t know why. Call me crazy. In 6 months, I’ll probably look like an idiot, but I just feel like I’m still waiting on something from him/them.
So Rudolph famously saved Christmas because of his insanely luminous nose, right? He guided the way on Christmas during a particularly foggy night. So what in the hell did Santa do before that? You’re telling me that this dude went around the world, to every child on planet Earth for hundreds of years and just, what, lucked out and never once had a foggy night ANYWHERE EVER? That seems crazy to me, but all ended well for Santa because when he needed help, Rudolph answered the call, and something in me says that this will be the season the Celtics call on Jason Tatum to lead the way.
Brooklyn Nets – Clark Griswold
Clark Griswold- successful, happy, domestic man who just wants a merry Christmas. He’s got it all – the job, the family, the house, the holiday cheer. Until he is beset upon by his wacky eccentric extended family. The Brooklyn Nets were on the slow rebuild and really had some flashes of badassery in the regular season and in the bubble. But there’s more than enough reason to question what will happen when Kyrie and Kevin Durant finally take the court together and start winning and losing basketball games. For Clark Griswold, he was able to reconcile whatever issues or questions he had with his family and celebrate a happy and merry Christmas. The Nets are hoping that they will endure a similar fate.
Charlotte Hornets – Sentient Candy Cane
I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, I made this one up. Hear me out. Candy canes are cute, colorful, tasty and enjoyable. They’re just peppermints after all. They’re a treat. You should enjoy them every now and then. Their nutritional content is, I’m sure, next to nothing and there’s probably some fucked up side effect of OD’ing on peppermint. Similarly, the Hornets are fun, interesting and even enjoyable. They have an entertaining backcourt trio of Devonte Graham, Terry Rozier and newly MINT-ed LaMelo Ball. That’ll be entertaining enough to watch, right?
Well don’t forget that it’s still the Hornets that we’re talking about and that you should, in no way, expect to get any kind of meaningful fulfillment from this team. You can choose not to eat candy canes exclusively, but I really feel sorry for those people who didn’t choose to be Hornets fans. Sorry, Hornets fans. Also - why does the candy cane have to be sentient? Because I want it to feel pain. That’s why.
Chicago Bulls – Grinch
The Bulls are the Grinch because the Grinch stole Christmas, and the Bulls steal my love of basketball. They’re awful. Like, I get that it’s a young team and a young core blah blah blah. They suck. If I watch more than 3 entire Bulls games this year, it’ll be a bad year for me.
Cleveland Cavaliers – A regular snowman
If the Rockets are Frosty the Snowman, a living talking magical snowman, then the Cavaliers are a regular snowman. Lifeless. Hopeless. They’ll win at least a game this year, but they won’t bring joy. They won’t be magical. They’ll just be there. And then they’ll be gone.
Dallas Mavericks – Santa (Tim Allen version)
Here’s what I know about Tim Allen’s Santa from The Santa Clause:
· Powerful
· New on the job
· Obtained his job my murdering his predecessor
· Loosely connected to Buzz Lightyear
Can you tell I haven’t seen the movie? As far as I understand it, Tim Allen inadvertently KILLS SANTA, which makes TIM ALLEN THE NEW SANTA. Is the precedent for this ever explained? I know that the title of the movie is a play on words, and that the “Santa Clause” is the bit of legalese that makes Tim Allen the new Santa. But doesn’t that imply that Santa has been getting killed a replaced for centuries? Why else would there need to be such specific instructions on what happens WHEN SANTA GETS KILLED?? In any event, here’s what we know about the Mavericks:
· Powerful (lead by Luka)
· Newly minted as contenders
· Have yet to murder their predecessor (presumably the Lakers)
· Not actually loosely connected to Buzz Lightyear (Santa > Mavericks)
I don’t think there’s any specific jargon in the CBA about what happens if Luka literally KILLS LeBron, but if there is, I hope that it gives Luka access to all of LeBron’s endorsements and whatnot. The Santa Clause cinematic universe must be out-of-this-world insane.
Denver Nuggets – Gremlin
Ahhh Gremlins. A movie I have totally seen. Yep, everybody here has 100% seen that movie. I especially loved that one scene where the Gremlin was there, and it did that thing. Good times…
Okay, so I haven’t seen Gremlins. But I do understand the character. Mogwai’s are cute little fuzzies that you’re not supposed to feed after midnight, lest they turn into Gremlins - some kind of scary little fuzzy. Of course, they get fed after midnight and hijinks ensue. The Nuggets (in my mind) entered last season as more of a Mogwai than a Gremlin. I loved Jokic and Murray, but I wasn’t expecting them to win back-to-back playoff series after being down 3 games to 1. In that sense, being down 3-1 was feeding them after midnight. Accordingly, they enter this season as Gremlins.
Detroit Pistons – Wiseman frankincense
Frankincense is some kind of incense (hence the name). Incense is neat enough I guess, and the Pistons are neat enough, I guess. but I don’t care about either of them and neither should you. What do you think Mary and Joseph thought when three dudes showed up to the birth of their child (who, to be fair, was Jesus) and one of them brings… incense? “Alright, man. Cool. Thanks.” Pretty much the same reaction I’d have to someone trying to tell me I should watch a Pistons’ game.
Golden State Warriors – John McLane
Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Get over it. If you disagree, here’s a link where you can complain to the Coast Guard. Tell them I sent you. This is my list and I do what I want with it. The Golden State Warriors are veterans of the system. They’ve seen it all, done it all. They just want to make it home for Christmas and get back with their ex (the Finals). But then this asshole gets in their way and makes that path really hard (Hans Gruber/ injuries). So, John McLane does what only John McLane does. He fucks shit up. He kicks ass. He appears in Advance Auto Parts commercials that don’t really make that much sense other than the fact that he’s fucking shit up in them. The Warriors have a steep road to climb, but that’s just what they do. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Houston Rockets – Frosty the Snowman
Frosty the Snowman is a snowman imbued with the miracle of life. He dances and sings across the town, bringing warmth and levity and comfort to those he encounters. He is full of spirit and joy and exists thanks to inexplicable magic.
And then he fucking melts.
And that’s what the Rockets do. They win games and they play a signature style of basketball and they get headlines and James Harden wins the MVP and they rile up these big expectations. And then they fucking melt. It’s better than being a stupid regular snowman, I suppose, but at the end of the day, a puddle’s a puddle.
Indiana Pacers – Abominable Snowman
What do you know about the Abominable Snowman? Nothing, that’s what. What do you know about the Indiana Pacers? Exactly. Nothing. The closest thing to a representation I have of the Abominable Snowman is the character from Monsters Inc. And even though he’s big and imposing, he ultimately ends up being a really nice guy and serves Mike and Sully lemon snow cones. I really like the Pacers: they have a bunch of guys that I like. TJ Warren, Oladipo, Myles Turner, Sabonis, TJ McConnell, Doug McDermott, and Malcolm Brogdon. What does that mean for them? How will they do this year? What should our expectations of them be? I don’t know. And neither do you.
Los Angeles Clippers – Uncle Billy
Good ole Uncle Billy. I love It’s a Wonderful Life. I hadn’t seen it until like last year, and when I told my friend I’d seen it he immediately launched into a tirade on what a moron Uncle Billy is. We’ve now cultivated a fairly persistent hate of all things Uncle Billy. If you haven’t seen it, Uncle Billy is entrusted with a very important check. His one job is to not lose the check. What’s he do? He loses the check.
I consider myself a fair-weather Clippers fan and I have to tell you; I’m strongly rethinking my decision. I’m beginning to cultivate a fairly persistent hate of all things Clippers. They had a 3-1 lead over the Nuggets in the second round. Their ONE job was to NOT BLOW ANOTHER SECOND-ROUND 3-1 LEAD. I’ve had it up to here.
Los Angeles Lakers – Mickey Mouse in a Christmas hat
“Mickey Mouse ring! Fake ring! LeFraud!” I swear, when I hear that shit, I really question whether the internet is still worth having around. I don’t think that the Lakers winning is a fake championship, nor do I think that Mickey Mouse in a Christmas hat is a legitimate Christmas character. But when I googled Christmas characters, Mickey Mouse in a Christmas hat was one of the results. Mickey is the mascot of one of the most powerful media entities in the world and also kind of the villain of the entertainment world. The Lakers don’t have a mascot (which would be hilarious if they just had a fucking lake as their mascot), but they’re the best team in the league, the most powerful franchise in the NBA, and are perceived as villains by a ton of fanbases.
Memphis Grizzlies – Polar bear in a cute sweater
Easy. Polar bears are badass (and they’re bears), and the Grizzlies are fairly badass (and also bears). Ja Morant is incredible and I want nothing but good things to happen to him in his life. Unfortunately, I don’t think that the Grizzlies are quite dangerous enough to be regular polar bears quite yet, so I have to stick them in a cute Christmas sweater. Sorry.
Miami Heat – Ebenezer Scrooge (post transformation)
VERY important distinction here. Ebenezer Scrooge went through a very dramatic character arc that saw him go from a decrepit hateful old man to a generous and life-loving old man. The Heat haven’t made such a dramatic turn, but they’ve gone from playoff-hopeful competitive team to playing in the freaking NBA Finals. They were able to leverage their culture into signing Jimmy Butler and then Jimmy Butler was able to leverage his badassery into becoming a badass and making the Heat awesome. They’re young, talented, feisty, well-coached and they’ve become a contender that not many people saw coming.
Milwaukee Bucks – Joe Pesci from Home Alone (Harry)
Oof. This one’s fairly obvious. Harry (Joe Pesci’s character from Home Alone) should have had the easiest time in the world robbing Kevin’s house. Instead, he gets his ass thoroughly kicked throughout the movie. The Bucks had the best record in basketball last year and got their asses kicked thoroughly by the Miami Heat in the second round. They had every advantage (seemingly), but bit off way more than they could chew. Maybe it’s a testament to the Heat, maybe it’s a testament to Kevin, but the end result remains the same: The Bucks got roasted and Harry got flamed.
New Orleans Pelicans – Buddy the Elf
Buddy the Elf is one of the most beloved of Christmas characters. Zion Williamson is one of the most beloved basketball players. So what if I’m not paying attention to the rest of the roster; you never paid attention to the rest of the cast any time Will Ferrell was on the screen. I don’t feel super proud of this one because Buddy is much more whimsical and silly than the Pelicans, although the fact that their mascot is a Pelican, and they have the stupid creepy baby at their games does provide a certain amount of whimsicality. Plus, we’ve seen numerous examples of Buddy the Elf showing off some world-class athleticism. I’ve heard he actually has a 50-inch vertical. Prove me wrong.
New York Knicks – Tiny Tim
The worst. They seem to exist only to live in misery and inspire pity. I sincerely like Obi Toppin and I want him to be awesome, but where it stands right now, the Knicks are the Knicks. And that’s become an insult in and of itself.
Oklahoma City Thunder – Nestor, the long-eared Christmas donkey
You thought it was just a one-off, didn’t you? Nope, Nestor the long-eared Christmas Donkey is a real thing. When I had to google Christmas characters, Nestor the long-eared donkey was one of the characters. Apparently, it was a 1977 stop-motion movie about a donkey way back in “the day” named Nestor. All the other animals on the farm are mean to him because of his long ears, which makes me sad just to think about. After undergoing some personal loss (his mom dies ) and undergoing some personal transformation, he meets MARY AND JOSEPH and helps lead them to Bethlehem thanks to his long ears (don’t ask me how). They make it there and he ends up being present for the birth of lil baby Jesus. The Thunder are at the mid-way point of the Nestor the long-eared Christmas donkey character arc. They have suffered some loss (Westbrook and Durant being gone). They will be bad this year. They will continue to acquire assets… but soon… they will come into their own and be delivered to the promised land.
Orlando Magic – Gingerbread person
Do you like gingerbread? It’s alright, I guess. I’ll eat it. It’s nothing special. It’s fun to make a gingerbread house, but the actual taste of gingerbread is just… okay. And that’s what the Magic are. They’re just okay. They aren’t the worst. I have no real problems with them, but it’s not like they’re my favorite. They don’t even get the fun that comes with being a gingerbread house, they’re a gingerbread person. I’m not going out of my way to watch them and I’m not going out of my way to eat gingerbread.
Philadelphia 76ers – Krampus
Evil Santa. That’s what Krampus is. Santa gives nice things to nice kids. Krampus does evil things to evil kids. The 76ers do evil things to the NBA. I’m being mean to the 76ers even though I think they will be good this year because one of my friends is a 76ers fan, and I like to be mean to him. But if I can continue the analogy of Krampus a little farther, the 76ers totally fucked the NBA and specifically the Knicks because during the process, the 76ers lost as many games as they could in order to get top draft picks and build a successful team. They did that for four straight years and were completely unapologetic. So the NBA looked at the process and changed the draft lottery so that the team with the worst record doesn’t have the best odds at the number one pick. That very draft, the Knicks entered with the worst record in the NBA. Zion Williamson was the presumptive number one overall pick. Ja Morant was likewise the presumptive second overall pick. The Knicks ended up with the 3rd pick. The 76ers are evil and will bring a pestilence unto our league.
Phoenix Suns – Jack Skellington
I’m coming clean here – I’ve never seen A Nightmare Before Christmas. I’m seriously confused about it. Is it a Christmas movie or is it a Halloween movie? Are the Suns for real or are they a joke? Jack Skellington gets transported to Christmas town, where he finds he really shines. The Suns got to the bubble and turned into a not dog-shit basketball team. They’ve got Chris Paul now and Devin Booker is about due to make his move and become a capital-G Guy. Will it happen? What kind of movie is this? What is Christmas? How do magnets work?
Portland Trail Blazers – Mariah Carey
First off, you can’t tell me that Mariah Carey isn’t – to some degree – a Christmas character. “All I Want For Christmas is You” came out in 1994 and she’s allegedly made something like $60 million on royalties. It is the quintessential Christmas song of the modern era. Similarly, the Blazers stick around year after year, winning games, making the playoffs and being led by Dame Lillard. “All I Want For Christmas” might not be your favorite Christmas song, but it’s your favorite song that isn’t your favorite song. Dame is your favorite player that isn’t your favorite player. A classic: timeless, consistent, unyielding. Words you can only use to describe Mariah Carey AND the Portland Trailblazers.
Sacramento Kings – Nutcracker
Nutcrackers look scary. We can all agree on this. But let’s get real- they’re useless. They exist just for you to look at and think “Wow, how do we still have nutcrackers?” That’s what the Kings are. They exist for us to look at and think “Wow, do the Kings still play basketball? That’s neat. Good for them”. I like De’Aaron Fox and Buddy Hield. But it’s the Kings. You think they’re going to be good? Lol, I’ll bet you also think that nutcrackers are cool.
San Antonio Spurs – Wiseman who brought myrrh
It’s over.
That’s a hard sentence for me to write, but it’s what it is. It’s over. I really do love the Spurs and Tim Duncan is maybe my favorite player ever. They had an incredible run and established an unconscionable dynasty. Accordingly, they’ve been matched with one of the Magi – one of the wisemen who traveled to Bethlehem to witness the birth of lil baby Jesus. A high honor and a place worthy of remembrance. But It’s over. Accordingly, they have been matched with the wiseman who brought myrrh – the shit you put in tombs and embalming. The shit you use when things die.
It’s over. Bury the Spurs.
I can’t watch.
Timberwolves – Penguin with a cup of cocoa
Very similar to the Grizzlies (a polar bear with a cute sweater on). The T-wolves have some good players and should do some things. But I’m not nearly as high on them as I am on the Grizzlies. They’re cute. They’ll be fun. But they’re not threatening anybody. Also, how fucking cute is the mental picture of a penguin waddling around holding a piping hot cup of cocoa?
Toronto Raptors – Snow dogs
Hear me out. I know that Snow Dogs is not technically a Christmas movie. I know that just saying that the Raptors are the Snow Dogs is a cop out. But I thought of this movie the other day and I need to talk about it. So cut me some slack and give me a mulligan, okay? Cuba Gooding Jr’s character is from Florida and he goes north (technically to Alaska), and the Raptors are doing the reverse of that to play in the NBA this year. There. Now let me talk about snow dogs.
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie as a kid and thinking that it was going to be awesome. The trailer had all these huskies on a beach wearing hats and sipping cocktails talking to CGJ. The kind of trailer that makes you think that it’s going to be a movie about talking dogs. But the dogs DON’T TALK AND THAT SCENE TOOK PLACE AS A HALLUCINATION AND INSTEAD THE DOGS ARE JUST REGULAR DOGS. I was distraught. Also, at some point James Coburn tells Cuba Gooding Jr that in order to get an ornery dog to behave, you have to bite the dog on the ear. I’m not a veterinarian but I DO NOT think that that is the proper or effective way to rear a dog. The Raptors will be good. Snow dogs was a disappointment. It’s a mulligan.
Utah Jazz – the Wiseman who brought gold
Jazz – supposed to be good. Magi – supposed to be important. Of the 3 Wiseman, obviously the one that brought the gold is the most impressive/important one, right? I’m still horribly underwhelmed by the Jazz and I will be until I see them do something like the Nuggets last year. I’m also still horribly underwhelmed by the Magi. They’re just dudes who showed up at the birth of lil baby Jesus. Like, I get that he’s the son of god and what not, but what if you were giving birth and then suddenly, randomly, THREE dudes showed up with presents, and one of them brought STRAIGHT UP GOLD? That’s fucking wild.
Washington Wizards – Jack Frost
According to Wikipedia, Jack Frost is “a personification of frost, ice, snow, sleet, winter, and freezing cold”. How fitting is that? The Wiz just traded for Westbrook, a player who, since he has stopped playing with one of the greatest players of all time in Kevin Durant, has been involved in one playoff series win. And now he’s back to being the big man on campus, which has resulted in four total playoff wins in 3 years with the Thunder. Bradley Beal is most valuable as a trade asset. The Wizards are horrific, and they have a cold streak that stretches back decades. Jack Frost indeed.